


Secrets

by Starriesky



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 04:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3277121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starriesky/pseuds/Starriesky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin has had many secrets in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Harry Potter fiction I have written. Remus has always been one of my favourite characters, so I wanted to honor him by writing this. A special thanks to my friends Jessica, Lyna, Dunia and Naomi for reading this and giving me feedback.

The lies started when Remus was a small boy, only a toddler. When tragedy struck his family, leaving him with a lifelong condition that others feared and hated. It forced his parents to take him from town to town, never staying anywhere long enough for people to get suspicious. He was never able to make friends because his parents kept him home as much as possible. He was homeschooled, rarely spending any time with other children his age. It was for the best. It’d be terrible if someone found out the truth about him. His parents only wanted the best for him. It was their secret.

Remus was finally allowed to go to school, all thanks to some old wizard that came to visit them. To his surprise, the man had known about his condition. But he never treated Remus like he was something to be feared. He acted as if nothing was wrong, and Remus was just a normal boy. Remus loved it. And now, thanks to this man, he could go meet other children his age and maybe even make friends. But there was still fear. Fear that his secret would be discovered. Fear the whole school would shun him because of it. So he vowed no one would find out. Dumbledore had also assured him he would do all that he could to ensure no one else would find out. It was their secret.

Before the first week of school was done, Remus had made friends. The four of them were a team, dubbed the Marauders by one of them. They consisted of two pranksters, one shy boy who admired the pranksters, and Remus. Remus was the smart one, who would help the other boys if they were stuck. James and Sirius were the ones who would be too busy thinking of pranks or just generally joking around to pay much attention to school. Peter was the one who listened carefully to Remus when he helped him with homework, occasionally shooting admiring glances at the pranksters. Remus was the glue that kept them together. No one had imagined the two pranksters becoming friends with the mousy boy. It was Remus that had brought them together, and it was Remus that kept them together. At least it seemed like that to outsiders. While it was true Remus brought them together, he wasn’t the one that kept them together. They kept themselves together. But they wouldn’t tell anyone else. It was their secret.

Remus had been terrified when his friends cornered him, informing him that they knew. They knew why he disappeared for a few days every month. Remus felt his heart stop beating. This was the end. But they surprised him. They accepted him, they didn’t view him any differently. They promised to help him. Remus was ashamed to admit he had cried at those words, tears rolling down his cheeks. His friends didn’t mock him for his tears, but were quick to comfort him. He had felt the love for his friends overwhelm him as they hugged him, and he promised himself he would do anything to keep their friendship. After he had calmed down, they all made a promise to keep it to themselves. It was their secret.

When the boys started studying how to become animagi, Remus had had his doubts. It was very advanced magic, and though his friends were smart he didn’t think they’d succeed. But despite the difficulties, his friends kept on going. It took them a couple of years, but eventually they succeeded. Remus had watched them change into their animal forms for the first time, intensely proud of his friends. He watched three human bodies disappear and a stag, dog and rat take their places. They changed back, and went to the kitchens to celebrate. According to the law, they had to be registered. But the boys refused, each having their own reasons, but mainly because they couldn’t explain why they had studied it so intensely. So they kept their mouths shut. It was their secret.

Remus and Peter had never been particularly close. Sure, Remus had been the one to befriend the boy and introduced him to the others, but Peter was a quiet, shy boy. Remus would often help him with his homework, fondly watching as the boy actually paid attention to him, listening to his every word. He seemed content with hanging out in their group, always watching the pranksters in awe, admiring them. But that was not the truth. When Peter privately confided in him, telling him about his insecurities, Remus’ heart broke. The small boy was so sweet, so kind. It hurt him to know about the anguish hiding inside him, to have it exist at all. Remus promised the boy, his dear friend, that he would help him. They would get through it together. He promised his friend that he was always there for him, to listen and to offer a shoulder to cry on should he ever need it. He had never seen his friend so… grateful before. The boy glowed, unshed tears shining in his eyes as he thanked Remus. Remus kept it a secret from the other without Peter needing to ask. It would be their secret.

Every morning after the full moon was the same. Remus would wake up, sore and hurting all over. His friends would be spread across the room; sometimes they were asleep on the couch, other times they lied at the foot of his bed or spread out across the floor. But always, there would be a black dog lying next to him. Sometimes the dog was asleep, other times he was watching Remus, whining at Remus’ groans of pain. The dog would gently lick his arm, trying to offer him some comfort. He would lie down against Remus as the boy shivered, sharing his body heat. The boy would rub the dog behind his ears, calming down at the sounds of pleasure the dog made. The dog always comforted Remus. It wasn’t until the boys started waking up that the dog would leave his side, changing back into his human form. It was their secret.

Remus was always sad to see his friends leave shortly after waking up. He’d watch them disappear beneath James’ invisibility cloak and listened to their footsteps grow fainter with each step. No one could know they kept Remus company through the night. No one could know they had learned the art of being an animagi, that they ran across the Hogwarts grounds at night. It was their secret. So every morning they left before the nurse came to fetch Remus. He would be brought to the hospital wing, where his self-inflicted wounds would be treated. His body would demand more rest and he’d fall into a deep sleep. His friends were always there when he woke. Somehow they always knew. It didn’t matter if Remus woke up at noon, or even late that night. They were always there. They pretended like they hadn’t seen him that morning, and told him all about their day. Remus would be too tired to participate, but he loved listening to them. It also gave him a distraction from his pain and self-loathing, which the boys knew. So they would always keep talking from the moment Remus woke up to the moment they were sent away. They would talk about anything that came to mind. Class, pranks, other students, Hogsmeade, their families… Anything to keep Remus busy. 

No one knew the real reason why Remus would disappear every month for a few days. Everyone had been told Remus’ mother was sick, and Remus went home every month to help take care of her. His friends would jump in whenever someone doubted his story. They would tell stories that reinforced his. The suspicions would disappear. The girls admired him for taking care of his mother. The boys agreed it was a noble thing to do. The Marauders thought it funny how everyone admired Remus for something that wasn’t true. But the students would never find out the truth. It was their secret.

When Remus fell in love with his friend, he was scared. He hadn’t realized when his feelings had changed from like into love. For a long time, he kept it to himself. No one could know. But when he reached his limit, he reached out to his only female friend. He knew the girl wouldn’t tell anyone, and he trusted her. Lily smiled at him when he confessed, and calmed his racing heart. Her words touched him, and she knew exactly what to say to calm him down. Afterwards, he begged her not to tell anyone. She agreed. It would be their secret.

Remus and Snape never really talked. The Slytherin always fought with his friends, both sides acting irrational. Remus always stayed out of the fights, though he never tried to stop it either. Some fights were vocal, but sometimes they escalated and wands would be drawn, spells flying back and forth. As they advanced through the years, the spells became more and more advanced. Harmless sparks turned to being paralyzed or being hung upside down. Despite being a prefect in later years, Remus ignored it. He pretended not to see it, not wanting to betray his friends or being left out. He knew the greasy-haired boy was curious to find out why Remus disappeared every month, not believing his story about taking care of his sick mother. But Remus ignored it, thinking the boy would never find out. How wrong he was. When he woke up in the hospital wing after another full moon, without his friends, he knew something was wrong. Then the nurse told him about Sirius’ prank. Telling Snape where to find him, how to get to him. Showing the boy how to get to a fully grown werewolf. James, risking his life to save his enemy. He felt sick. He felt betrayed. His friends had promised him to keep his secret between them, yet one of them told it to someone. Pulling a twisted prank that could end not only Snape’s life, but his as well. Dumbledore wouldn’t be able to protect him if he killed another student. He’d be sentenced to prison in Azkaban. But his life could still be over. Snape knew… Though the boys didn’t interact, there was no love between them. If Snape told the other students… his life here would be over. Remus was surprised when the boy came to visit him, accompanied by the headmaster. The boy promised to keep it a secret from the other students. Remus knew he only promised it because of Dumbledore, but he was still grateful. The boys never mentioned it again. It was their secret.

Remus and Sirius’ relationship was strained. After the incident with Snape, Remus had refused to talk to the boy. He had been hurt by his actions. It had been as if his friend didn’t care about Remus, about what this prank could do with him. It hurt him deeply. His trust in his friend was gone. Destroyed. Nothing could heal it. No matter how much Sirius pleaded with him, apologized, Remus refused to forgive him. He couldn’t trust him. He had been betrayed once, he could do it again. And he refused to let it happen, to have his heart broken again. Not even James or Peter could persuade him. But as time passed, Remus could see the boy grow more and more depressed. He became withdrawn, silent, moody. Not even James could cheer him up. It hurt Remus to see his friend, the boy who held his heart, broken like this. Slowly, he started allowing Sirius back into his life. He was unsure at first, guarded. But as time passed, he saw the old Sirius come back, and he realized the boy had meant no harm with his prank. He was able to find forgiveness in his heart. Their friendship was restored. But it would never be the same. Some part of Remus, conscious or not, would doubt his words, his promises. Sirius knew that. The others were oblivious, and the boys silently agreed to keep it that way. It was their secret.

Remus liked watching quidditch. He had no interest in playing it himself, instead he preferred watching his friends play while he remained on the ground. The boys loved playing it, inviting their dorm mate Frank Longbottom to play with them so they’d have an even number. James and Sirius even played on the Gryffindor team. Remus loved seeing them play, how they enjoyed themselves and took control of the field, leading their house to victory. They were good. They had full control over their brooms, able to make even the smallest, quickest moves that would lead them to their target. It all seemed to come natural to them. But then, one night when Remus just couldn’t seem to fall asleep, he caught James leaving. When he followed the boy, he discovered about his nightly quidditch practices. He would go out at night, practicing on his own. When the boy discovered that Remus knew, he was quick to make up excuses. But when he realized Remus didn’t buy them, he told the truth. James wasn’t as talented as he appeared. Ever since he made it on the team, he would go out at night multiple times a week to practice in secret. He was ashamed to admit his talent wasn’t that – it was hard work. Remus was quick to reassure him it didn’t matter, no one would judge him. But James still felt insecure. Remus promised him to help him practice at night, throwing quaffles and other similar things. The boy thanked Remus, his voice grateful. Remus was only happy to help. But no one could know. It would be their secret.

Even after leaving school the boys stayed close friends. They visited each other regularly, even joining a secret organization, the Order of the Phoenix, together. A group that fought for their freedom, against an evil wizard that wanted to destroy the world as they knew it and rule it with an iron fist. They fought together. They laughed together. When one of them got married, everyone was present. When his wife got pregnant, they were the first to congratulate them. They helped the couple pick out baby names. They were the first to arrive after the birth of their baby boy. Remus had been touched when the baby was given one of the names he had suggested. He loved the boy from the moment he laid eyes on him. He promised Harry that he would always be there for him. But don’t tell anyone. It is our secret.

When the Order of the Phoenix received word Voldemort would come after Lily and James to get to Harry, Remus felt fear grip his heart. It couldn’t be. Not them. Their group came together as fast as they could, trying to think of a way to protect them. The couple had been terrified. Not for themselves, but for their son. When Dumbledore suggested a Secret Keeper, they were all quick to agree. No one could know who the secret keeper was. When Dumbledore revealed there was a traitor amongst them, Remus froze. It couldn’t be true. None of them would betray the others. Right? No. He had to keep faith in them. It was decided only Dumbledore would be told who the secret keeper was. Everyone agreed. If there truly was a traitor amongst them, he couldn’t know. Only the couple, the person chosen, and Dumbledore knew. It was their secret.

The world came crashing down around him. They were gone. Lily and James… Remus had nearly cried with relief when he was told Harry had survived. And Voldemort was gone. The whole wizarding world celebrated, but Remus couldn’t. Not with his friends dead. When he heard the news about Peter, all the air left his body and he collapsed in a chair. Not Peter too… When he heard who killed Peter, he felt the last pieces of his heart break. The man he loved, the one he had given his heart to… was the reason Peter was dead. He was the reason Lily and James were dead. He was the reason why Harry had to grow up without his parents. All thanks to him. And Remus had actually loved him. He hadn’t noticed a thing. And now, he was all alone. He had lost everything. No more jokes. No more laughter. No one to help him with his demons. He had nothing. All thanks to one person. As time passed, the grief almost became too much. Remus was scared to see how far he had fallen, how close he came to just ending it all. But he refused to let Sirius win. So he kept going. And he got better. But he’d never recover. Not even when he went to teach at Hogwarts and saw Harry again. Not when the friend he loved turned out to be innocent. Not when he fell in love with someone else, a woman who loved him back. Not when he got married. Not when he found out his wife was pregnant. But no one could know. It was his secret.


End file.
